{it's about time}

Almost exactly one year ago, I wrote this on my blog for Adventures In Missions:
"This past week our team was helping out at the orphanage on the island of Ometepe in the middle of Lake Nicaragua. The morning was filled with working (in the kitchen and garden, cleaning, and helping out at a nearby feeding program and medical clinic), and the afternoons/evenings felt a lot like vacation. There were several hammocks overlooking the lake and they were conveniently facing WEST so you know that means the most beautiful sunsets ever. Our whole team had an amazing time there. In case you did not know this, I have never been the biggest kid person... it is something that I asked God at the beginning of this trip to change in me and I am happy to say that He has! Friday afternoon I met a little girl named Angie who had the biggest smile I have ever seen on a 3 year old. We played 'hide and go seek' most of the afternoon while sharing a hammock, giggling the entire time. God is good."

While my post pulled out the side of things that was glorious at the time, I actually have very mixed memories about Ometepe. Yes, my team had a great time, and God did turn me into somewhat of a "kid person", and the sunsets were very beautiful... but there was a side to Ometepe that I remember absolutely hating. God was busy in my life during that week, forcing me to make some difficult decisions about the future and about my desire to serve Him. Though the week ended with a lot of peace, getting to that point was pretty frustrating and at times heartbreaking for me. There were lots of tears. There were lots of headaches. I think I even destroyed my journal pages from that time because it was so rough. But God grew me.
And now I can finally say that I am GOING BACK! Do you remember me saying something similar last year? About applying to lead the 9-month trip that would have left this past September? Well God removed that option from my life, and for a while I struggled with believing that I had "heard God right"; that God had ever wanted me to return and lead in the first place! But in the end He gave me the faith to choose to believe that He would not give me a desire to return as a leader and not fulfill that desire. He took away that one option and after a period of waiting He has replaced it with something better.
This summer, I will be back on the island of Ometepe, Nicaragua, helping to lead a team of teen girls for one month (June 16th-July 16th). In fact, I just purchased my flights to the AIM base in Georgia for leader training the second weekend in April. This is becoming more and more real. Maybe returning as a leader with AIM took 10 months longer than I expected originally... but I will be back in Nica. It's about time.

{because my mother said so}

It looks like I'm averaging one post a month... go me. At least I'm not completely forgetting about the rest of the world, right? (Not that I blog for your reading pleasure anyway.)
There's a 13-foot tall chocolate house at Chocolate World, though I think technically it's a chalet. It is made from chocolate bars and lollipops and peanut butter cups and jolly ranchers and licorice and allll sorts of Hershey's products. It's a nice looking attraction, and I'm sure it will bring visitors back to that part of the building (conveniently next to santa, where you can get your picture taken for who knows how much), but I admit I'm torn between being amazed at the detail and being disgusted by the sheer waste of all that chocolate and candy.
Part of this internal conflict started as I was reading (okay, more like skimming) a magazine article the other day that talked about gluttony in the sense of how it covers more than just overeating. Gluttony is the love of EXCESS, whether that's of material things or of something intangible like power, and for Christians I would say that it is usually rooted in either discontent or a lack of trust in the ability and willingness of Christ to provide for our lives. Anyway, that just made me think.
Thanksgiving is this week! :) Who's excited? Personally, I get TWO thanksgiving dinners, one on Thursday with my family in Lancaster (minus grandparents.. hope you guys are having a great time in Spain! Love you!), and one on Friday with Mike's family in York. This is my first holiday season balancing two families, and I think I got lucky with their plans being on different days. I look forward to the inevitable future challenge. Two dinners also means that in addition to the great conversations, naps, games, naps, TV watching, and naps I will experience during that time, I also won't have to cook for several days afterward. Yay leftovers! (PS mom, I hope you don't mind that I'm expecting some. I'll bring my own tupperware this time.)

{and so the seasons passed}

(sorry if this doesn't seem to flow like my normal posts.. you'll live.)

Life: I can't seem to completely catch up with what's happening in my family, let alone a few friends I haven't seen in months. I barely have time to clean my room (well okay, that IS the first thing I let slide) before I'm out and running again. My internet rarely works for more than 5 minutes at a time (believe it or not, this blog post has been written over a period of several days), and aside from the days when I've been sick, my sleep seems to be coming in 3-hour segments. Yeah, there's nothing like being knocked out on the couch for the majority of the day to force you to slow down! So physically, I was kind of a wreck but am doing much better.
Chocolate World will be re-doing the majority of the entertainment venues in January/February, meaning hours are most likely going to be non-existant. Of course, once I discovered this, I immediately started looking for a second job and reworking my budget and thinking about how to make things work - notice I didn't include praying in that list? Why do I still forget to do the one and only thing that makes a difference?
Long story short: I had one job, then two jobs, then maybe another second job, and now I'm back to one again. I'm right back where I started... only now with a little more trust. Because honestly, as frustrating as the whole saga has been, I'm not taking control of the situation anymore. I have a job. There may be no hours during January and February, but I need to stop focusing on/worrying about that. God's got my car keys. He'll have a use for my time.
Oh and guess what? I'm going back to Nicaragua... whee! The tentative details are that I will be helping lead a group of teen girls on a month-long trip (mid-June to mid-July) to an orphanage on the island of Ometepe. If that name sounds familiar, it's because I spent a week there just before coming home for Christmas last year. Beautiful place, though my memories of the island are a little more rough as God was taking me through some hard decisions at the time. I am super excited! The next step is to finish up some paperwork with AIM and go through a formal interview, so I'll try to keep everybody updated as it happens.

{being a pretty.lady in waiting} aka the krebs cycle of sin

Whitney and I were chilling (working) together a few weeks ago and she mentioned an idea that I hadn't considered: The closer you get to understanding what God desires for you, the harder Satan tempts you to choose the second-best.
The more I've crock-potted that idea, the more it makes sense. The temptation itself is nothing new - control over "my" life. But the cost of grabbing at the second-best now instead of waiting with quiet trust and patience for God to bring me the best, that's too high. It means I settle. I stop following. I stop being a disciple.
I am finding this to be especially true in relationships. Over the past year - no, over the past three years - God has been revealing to me small things about the man I will eventually marry. With each new quality added, I think "impossible"... until someone comes along who lives up to that new standard. This is usually the point where I, like most girls, get tripped up and start focusing on my lack of a relationship instead of Him. The cycle looks something like this: I meet a guy I like, I ask God if this is the guy, God reveals another characteristic that "disqualifies" said guy, I whine and complain (the ever-so-trusting response of a child who can't have what she wants), God waits patiently until my focus is back on Him, and everything is fine until I meet the next temptatio- I mean, guy.
Thank God He doesn't abandon me! He graciously keeps me or has pulled me from wrong relationships (though not without my foolish temper tantrums). He loves me back to Himself time and time again. He gives me more patience. And call me crazy, call me childish, but I believe I am close to the guy God has for me. The next relationship I am in will lead to marriage. And I'd like to think I've already met my future husband, though of course I can't know that for sure. Not only is this based on my circumstances right now, but on the quality of guys in my life over the past year. They're great... the second-best. God keeps upping the bar on my expectations, and though my steps right now are tentative and shaky at best, I'm going to follow. God knows my desires, and what's best for me. He's never given me a reason to distrust His plan for my life, so why should I allow myself to start now? Lord, I believe.. help my unbelief.

{trust with an exclamation point}

I am consistently amazed what God is putting in my life as my "new" mission field becomes clearer and clearer. People and circumstances, when viewed through the lens of how God is working in and through my life, go from being boring/mundane to HOLY COW EXCITING! I can honestly say that I'm more excited to be here in the States now than I was when I first returned from Nica.
(Note: That's not to say that I don't have moments of wishing for the simplicity of my life in Nicaragua, or even the expected unpredictability of foreign missions and culture. No, I quite miss it in many many ways.)
Lately I've been talking through email to Kayla at AIM. I met Kayla at training camp way back in September, and then saw her once or twice after that. She is in charge of leadership training for Real Life teams that go out (the 2-3 month trips for college-age kids), and had contacted me to ask if I would still be interested in leading future teams. However, AIM is looking for more of a long-term commitment, along the lines of two years. I would be in and out of the States; a few months here, a few months in... who knows what country? While that sounds like a fantastic opportunity (and adventure), I believe that God has me here for now; PA needs to be my "home base" and I refuse to doubt that again. So, although I wanted to say "YES YES YES sign me up!", I couldn't. I thought that was the end of it.. but God of course is full of surprises. She told me more about their Ambassador trips, which are for highschool and college-age kids and range from 1 week to 1 month.
How amazing would that be? And how perfectly that seems to fit with what God is currently doing in my life! But I am taking my time on this because I've learned (okay, I am learning, and rather slowly) how much chaos and stress I bring on myself when I try to beat God to the future. How wrong on so many levels, to think that I could possibly know better than my creator, or that there can be any joy in making my own decisions and holding them up for His approval. So I am fighting the desire to jump on this latest opportunity just to have some sort of "clear direction and goal" in my life.
No matter where I am next, I trust that God will use me to impact others. Honestly, that part of trusting Him with my future isn't so hard for me anymore. Other areas of life though... well, you know.

{an abundance of food and a lack of sleep}

One of the great things about living on your own is that you don't have to listen to anyone point out the errors in your dietary choices. You want to drink milk that may or may not still be good? Go right ahead (It's not THAT far past it's expiration date!) You want to eat ice cream for breakfast? Go right ahead. (As long as it's chocolate chip cookie dough.) You want to make your peanut butter sandwiches with chocolate pop-tarts instead of whole wheat bread? Go right ahead. (Though why anyone eats pop-tarts in the first place is beyond me...)
Of course, you do have to deal with your own conscience, which usually makes people run or do jumping jacks in an attempt to rid themselves of the sugar high. If you're especially unlucky, you also have to deal with the rebellion of your own stomach. While my stomach isn't hurting at the moment, I am regretting my "I'm-too-lazy-to-do-anything-but-reheat-leftover-potato-wedges" dinner. Oh, not that the food itself wasn't delicious! But, being partially distracted by an online conversation, music, and my own daydreams (I know, I know, I need to stop multitasking!), I ate the entire container of leftovers. That was supposed to last me a few meals. Did I really eat the equivalent of FOUR potatoes? In fact there is only one more piece left on the plate. It mocks me.
It is now much too late and dark to try to run off all those calories and starches - and I promised one of the older women at work I wouldn't run by myself at night, even with mace, keys, a whistle, a paring knife, and a cell phone. But that's okay. After all, I can almost hear her sweet voice in the background saying "It's okay honey. At least they were baked, not fried." *Sigh* So are cakes and cookies and brownies. (Mmm.. brownies..)
I am currently contemplating what to do with that last baked potato slice. I could:

• Eat It.
• Throw It Away.
• Save It For Tomorrow's Breakfast.
• Throw It At The Squirrel On My Windowsill.
• Or Something Else Of Which I Have Not Yet Thought.

What a difficult decision! Well in the meantime, I think I should start doing those jumping jacks.

{the post with lots of parentheses}

Let's be honest, there are dry & seemingly boring parts to all our lives. I go out of my way to avoid anything "boring" and I confess I can rarely go more than a month without some sort of change. If there is nothing new happening in my circumstances, I resort to creating the change myself. This can be a good thing as many positive habits have come from that.. for instance, I'll start learning a new skill (how I picked up guitar, crocheting, and running), change my surroundings (included minor gardening and rearranging my room when I was younger, now I just pack up and move altogether), or change myself (piercings, cut or dye my hair, etc.. quite often my default).
What drives this desire for constant change? Am I unsatisfied or discontent with life the way it is? Or is it just the personality trait of being flexible that's maybe a little out of control? I would not say that I am discontent, but then again it's easy to be blind to my own faults. :/ Perhaps just more than most, I get bored easily.
In other news, the work schedule for the last week of August has just been posted and I am currently scheduled 62 hours, with the potential for adding more. I am not the only one with that kind of schedule though, so it's nice to see who else will be going insane with me! Thankfully, I enjoy working with most of them.
Right after that comes another week of craziness (which I hope won't be quite as bad since work won't be open as late), and then comes VACATION! I know, most people take their vacations before labor day, but who wants to be normal? ;) September 5th-8th, I will be headed down to Virginia with my family to visit MORE family, and so for a few days it'll just be a jolly good time to relax and ignore the outside world. I can't wait!
(Except I kind of have to.)

{THIS is next, so stop asking}

Dearest readers, due to how many questions I am still getting on the subject, I think it's time I spelled this out clearly.

I am not: going to college again (I graduated, remember?), planning any more missions work overseas, headed back to Nicaragua anytime soon, in a relationship which will end in marriage and babies within the next year, or attempting to find a full-time job with benefits and a 401k option.
In my last post I talked about the unique advantage I have being young but out of school and with what I consider more life experience than your average 21-year-old. It sounds ideal, right? However, I am also realizing one of the negatives about coming back to the life I had before I left the States last September - having to deal with the expectations of people who assumed that my time in Nicaragua would be a launching pad for a future life in overseas missions. When I explain that for right now (and yes, potentially for the rest of my life) I believe God wants me here, I get "the look". That disapproving look that says "oh, you couldn't possibly have heard God correctly then, because there's no adventure here. You can't be serving Him with all your heart HERE." I already have to battle those thoughts popping into my mind, but it's worse to hear it from others. In fact, I've had that said to me more than once, though not in those exact words... and as much as I'd like to let it roll off me (because I honestly believe they are well-meaning), that hurts.
Isn't it enough that I went? Isn't it enough that I learned? And isn't it enough that I'm doing my best to live it out now?
There's nothing I can point to on the horizon and say "that's next." My life right now, THIS is next. Whatever tomorrow brings, I'll be there with open arms and open eyes... (props if you got the music reference)

{Am I now trying to win the approval of men, or of God? Or am I still trying to please men? If I were still trying to please men, I would not be a servant of Christ. ~ Galatians 1:10}

{something updatey-like}

Life here is as busy as I expected. I work about 40 hours a week (sometimes over, but don't tell my manager!), often 14 hour days because I pick up other peoples' shifts when they need off for whatever reason. Once everyone goes back to school in late August/early September, I fully expect to be working 50 hours a week, as those of us who aren't leaving try to hold down the entertainment department for what we call "New York & New Jersey Week". NY and NJ don't start school until about a week after PA so things are always tighter in our tourism as kids try to squeeze one last quick vacation before their 9-month confinement. :)
Even as crazy as it is, I still love my job and especially my coworkers. Most of them are my age or younger, though people seem to view me as older because I'm out of school and out of my parents' house. I find that this gives me an interesting advantage in making an influence in their work lives, and some of them, in their personal lives as well. Each day I work I see (well okay, I try to see) chocolate world as my new mission field. I'm trying to build stronger relationships, and keep on modeling Christ in my work and my attitude. It's hard... but I can't say it's not worth it. And usually right about the time when I think it's not making any difference at all, there will be one comment made, or one small conversation about Christianity, or one person who encourages me. God does have perfect timing.
One thing about coming back from "The" mission field (as if there were only one, and it were somewhere other than wherever I am at the moment) is that just about everything I do after returning seems selfish. Moving out, working, dividing time between friends, and basically making larger choices of any kind. It's been interesting adjusting to that aspect of life. I also have realized that I picked up some habits that are a direct result of spending so much time in a latin culture. For example, the Nicaraguans used to make fun of my team for eating sandwiches. They weren't considered food, I guess, because they weren't cooked like 'normal' meals. Well.. I think I've packed a sandwich ONCE to take to work, and I only ended up eating half of it. What it is about some meat or peanut butter stuck between two pieces of bread, anyway? Maybe they take more time to make, but I like cooked meals over sandwiches now. :)

{and the moral is...}

I am stubborn. You should know this by now. I am also creative. You should know this by now. So when I decide I want to do something, I'll usually find a slightly different and less-boring-than-normal way to accomplish it... and if that doesn't work, I'll just keep doing it over and over again until it does work.
Enter the cost of a gym membership. I would LOVE to enjoy the gym again, I really would, but as far as affording it goes, well the money's just not quite there yet. Instead, I am scrounging free exercise equipment from local people who are cleaning out their basements and have taken up running. I hate running... but I like not spending money even more! Out came the running shoes, from a bag of clothes I've been meaning to take to Goodwill for about two years now (yes Beans, I mean the bag you gave me before you left for school... umm... thanks for the shoes?), and of course out came the iPod.
I get bored pretty easily and I doubt I could run or exercise for any long period of time without music. Plus, I thought, I could make a new playlist according to the length of time I want to run or walk, so at each song change I can change my pace. Sounds simple, right? And it should have been.... I sorted all my music by play length, pulled out about 20 songs that were either 2 or 5 minutes long (for running and walking, respectively [hey I'm just starting]) and put them in a playlist, put it onto my iPod, and headed out the door.
One problem. I forgot that my iPod was on shuffle. And, seeing as how it was dark outside, I didn't look at my iPod while I was running, at least until after I thought "wow, I must be REALLY out of shape because I can't even run for two minutes!". After I realized my mistake I felt rather silly but I guess it provides a good story, right? I don't know if I ran for 5 or walked for 2 or what. Well, there's always next time. Because I am stubborn, and I WILL do it again. Except hopefully I'll remember to take my iPod off shuffle.

{21}

Happy birthday to me! Happy birthday to me! Happy birthday, now I'm legal; happy birthday to me!
Instead of ringing in my new freedom by staying out all night with large quantities of alcohol as the majority of my peers tend to do, I decided to figure out what on this earth was important to me, and choose my birthday activities accordingly. So what is important to me? Friends. Money. Not being lazy. And not having a party. All of those things combine to form... TA-DA! A beautiful 13-hour work day at Chocolate World!
I must be insane. Don't worry, I'll get to chill with friends outside of work on Friday night instead. And another bonus to working (besides my birthday being payday, of course) is that it's the employee cookout. Free food! So lest you feel sorry for me not having a "real" birthday party.. be comforted. Food + friends = party.

{i am by no means wise}

Long story short, I'm not going to Virginia. Maybe next year....
Long story long, over the past few weeks though I have been back and forth on what to do next. One day I'd think about leading the Real Life teams with AIM, the next day I'd think about costuming and where that could lead, the next day I'd think about packing up and moving to California to see what would happen there. I had finally had about a week in a row where I thought about nothing but costuming, so I started to move in that direction, making travel plans to be in Williamsburg, VA for the costume character audition at Busch Gardens. I was going to drive down, I had found a super-cheap but nice hotel to stay in, I even looked at the park from Google Earth to see if I could find the specific entrance I would need to use. (What? I AM a details person.) Everything seemed settled... but I didn't make the reservation for the hotel. I ended up having a conversation with my mom about stuff happening in the family, and it made me think about the reasons I had been excited to come home from Nicaragua in the first place. Not that I always love my family or want to be around them, but that in a sense they need me. I don't doubt that God could bring someone else, or multiple someone elses, to fill in the role that I would be leaving by moving, but I believe God wants to use me here, so why am I trying to abandon that? Why not submit and see exactly what He's going to do with me?
I stayed up for a while last night just listening to good music and hanging out with God, and He finally gave that confirmation I was searching for. I'm staying in PA. No, I don't know for how long. Yes, I realize that Chocolate World isn't exactly on the same professional scale of costuming as, say, Walt Disney World or Sesame Street LIVE, but it's what I've been given for the moment. And so here I am.
I'm not giving up on the costuming, though. After family, church, and work, I'm planning on spending my extra time this year at the gym and in dance classes, training so I'll be more prepared for next year's auditions. Or sooner than that if God happens to surprise me with some cool opportunity... who knows? I'll be keeping my eyes open. But everything's still getting covered in prayer.
So that's what's up. For the moment, my mission field is here in PA. I can spend some time with my family, hopefully have a chance to volunteer around the area, kick out more of my student loans, and maybe even start that retirement fund after all. :) And since I'm confident that I am where God wants me to be, I'm excited to see what happens around here. I don't believe it will be too boring if God's in it!
{and there's a possibility of sharing an apartment closer to work with a friend from church. maybe...}

"In just 15 minutes...

... you could save 15% or more on your car insurance by switching to Geico."

I hate to have to say it, but forget the little green gecko. I just saved over 50% on my car insurance. How is this possible, you ask?
Well, let's start at the beginning. As a new driver, I was getting killed by my family's insurance provider. On my part, this was caused by a combination of ignorance (tort? as in tortellini? fruit torte?) and the laziness of not wanting to search very hard for other rates (I was, and still occasionally am, terrified to pick up the telephone). For almost 4 years I was content to accept the quote I was given, and somehow managed each year to save the necessary funds to pay it.
This lasted until September of 2008, when I left the country. Seeing as how I would not be able to drive my car in Nicaragua, I ended my policy and let the task of insurance-paying fall to my sister, who is currently learning how to scare others off the roads. ;) I planned on picking the responsibility back up after returning to the States. Well, I returned about two weeks ago and I confess I have been putting off the insurance search until now. However, today I found myself with several free hours in a row, and decided that today would be the day - I would tackle the internet (hey I did say I don't like the phone...) and demand its submission. I would fill out forms, get new quotes, search the reliability of insurance companies that I had never heard of. God help me...
Approximately 2.83 hours of torture and 23 quotes later, I found a number staring me in the face that was much lower than I ever dreamed. Could it be? Oh the anguish I face now - the reality that had I put a little more energy into research back at the beginning of my driving career, had I recognized a premium of $1,100 a year as an insult to a driver of a small 4-door sedan (that is NOT a sports car), perhaps I would not have quite the debt I do now. I could have set aside more money for school. I could have invested in stocks. I could have started a retirement fund, even.
Then again, I probably would have just spent that money if it had been in the bank, so... I guess I owe a thank-you to my old car insurance company. Without them, I would have had more stuff and the same amount of debt. They have wisely kept me from the materialism that plagues the majority of my generation.
And some people say that insurance companies are evil. HA!

{welcome}

It's anticlimactic to be back in the States, I think. I have the same job as when I left. I live in the same house, in the same room, sleep in the same bed as before. I am different, sure... but I don't quite know how to fit the new me into the old surroundings. It's a struggle right now to not revert back to my old habits (and sins).
It seems to me that this would be easier if I changed my surroundings. New job, new friends, new church, new house, new hair... anything. Maybe everything. There lies the other side of my struggle: I want to just make it easy on myself. Why is it that change, for me more than others, seems to be easier than familiarity?
At any rate, I am making some changes (like getting rid of that horrid naturally-sun-lightened hair color, and getting a new blog page up), and considering making more (like pursuing bigger job opportunities). For example, there are a few auditions coming up for costuming:

• Walt Disney World - Orlando, FL - June 18th.
  How special that they would fall on my birthday... This would be a great experience, I'm sure (though I don't know how housing would work since I'm told they don't pay so well), but my goal would not be to play a semi-obscure character in a giant amusement park. Ultimately, if I pursued this, I'd like to end up on Disney's cruise line. Sure, maybe that doesn't pay so well either, but the food and housing would be free. And c'mon. It would be a cruise.
  
• Busch Gardens. Williamsburg, VA - June 23rd.
  I have to say I'm really interested in this one. Virginia is beautiful, even if it is a bit far away from home. And, as I discovered this past week while visiting my best friend Meredith, it always seems to smell like flowers. I could be a Sesame Street character. Before you ask, NO there is no chance of me playing Elmo. That costume is a bit too short (curses on my height...) so I shall have to content myself with some other toddler-amusing character. All this REALLY sounds like a good thing, especially if I keep looking ahead to...
• Sesame Street LIVE Tour - ... all over. - Sometime next May, I think? I missed them this year. :(
  Have I ever mentioned that toddlers are my favorite age group of people? Well, they are. And this job would not only let me entertain them and get paid well for doing it, but I would get to travel, and watching TV would count as research.

I suppose I should have warned you before, I am CRAZY about costuming. (Which does prompt the question of why I paid $16,000 to go to school for something else... hmm. Well, at least no learning ever goes to waste, right?)