Whitney and I were chilling (working) together a few weeks ago and she mentioned an idea that I hadn't considered: The closer you get to understanding what God desires for you, the harder Satan tempts you to choose the second-best.
The more I've crock-potted that idea, the more it makes sense. The temptation itself is nothing new - control over "my" life. But the cost of grabbing at the second-best now instead of waiting with quiet trust and patience for God to bring me the best, that's too high. It means I settle. I stop following. I stop being a disciple.
I am finding this to be especially true in relationships. Over the past year - no, over the past three years - God has been revealing to me small things about the man I will eventually marry. With each new quality added, I think "impossible"... until someone comes along who lives up to that new standard. This is usually the point where I, like most girls, get tripped up and start focusing on my lack of a relationship instead of Him. The cycle looks something like this: I meet a guy I like, I ask God if this is the guy, God reveals another characteristic that "disqualifies" said guy, I whine and complain (the ever-so-trusting response of a child who can't have what she wants), God waits patiently until my focus is back on Him, and everything is fine until I meet the next temptatio- I mean, guy.
Thank God He doesn't abandon me! He graciously keeps me or has pulled me from wrong relationships (though not without my foolish temper tantrums). He loves me back to Himself time and time again. He gives me more patience. And call me crazy, call me childish, but I believe I am close to the guy God has for me. The next relationship I am in will lead to marriage. And I'd like to think I've already met my future husband, though of course I can't know that for sure. Not only is this based on my circumstances right now, but on the quality of guys in my life over the past year. They're great... the second-best. God keeps upping the bar on my expectations, and though my steps right now are tentative and shaky at best, I'm going to follow. God knows my desires, and what's best for me. He's never given me a reason to distrust His plan for my life, so why should I allow myself to start now? Lord, I believe.. help my unbelief.
Friday, September 11, 2009
Wednesday, September 2, 2009
{trust with an exclamation point}
I am consistently amazed what God is putting in my life as my "new" mission field becomes clearer and clearer. People and circumstances, when viewed through the lens of how God is working in and through my life, go from being boring/mundane to HOLY COW EXCITING! I can honestly say that I'm more excited to be here in the States now than I was when I first returned from Nica.
(Note: That's not to say that I don't have moments of wishing for the simplicity of my life in Nicaragua, or even the expected unpredictability of foreign missions and culture. No, I quite miss it in many many ways.)
Lately I've been talking through email to Kayla at AIM. I met Kayla at training camp way back in September, and then saw her once or twice after that. She is in charge of leadership training for Real Life teams that go out (the 2-3 month trips for college-age kids), and had contacted me to ask if I would still be interested in leading future teams. However, AIM is looking for more of a long-term commitment, along the lines of two years. I would be in and out of the States; a few months here, a few months in... who knows what country? While that sounds like a fantastic opportunity (and adventure), I believe that God has me here for now; PA needs to be my "home base" and I refuse to doubt that again. So, although I wanted to say "YES YES YES sign me up!", I couldn't. I thought that was the end of it.. but God of course is full of surprises. She told me more about their Ambassador trips, which are for highschool and college-age kids and range from 1 week to 1 month.
How amazing would that be? And how perfectly that seems to fit with what God is currently doing in my life! But I am taking my time on this because I've learned (okay, I am learning, and rather slowly) how much chaos and stress I bring on myself when I try to beat God to the future. How wrong on so many levels, to think that I could possibly know better than my creator, or that there can be any joy in making my own decisions and holding them up for His approval. So I am fighting the desire to jump on this latest opportunity just to have some sort of "clear direction and goal" in my life.
No matter where I am next, I trust that God will use me to impact others. Honestly, that part of trusting Him with my future isn't so hard for me anymore. Other areas of life though... well, you know.
(Note: That's not to say that I don't have moments of wishing for the simplicity of my life in Nicaragua, or even the expected unpredictability of foreign missions and culture. No, I quite miss it in many many ways.)
Lately I've been talking through email to Kayla at AIM. I met Kayla at training camp way back in September, and then saw her once or twice after that. She is in charge of leadership training for Real Life teams that go out (the 2-3 month trips for college-age kids), and had contacted me to ask if I would still be interested in leading future teams. However, AIM is looking for more of a long-term commitment, along the lines of two years. I would be in and out of the States; a few months here, a few months in... who knows what country? While that sounds like a fantastic opportunity (and adventure), I believe that God has me here for now; PA needs to be my "home base" and I refuse to doubt that again. So, although I wanted to say "YES YES YES sign me up!", I couldn't. I thought that was the end of it.. but God of course is full of surprises. She told me more about their Ambassador trips, which are for highschool and college-age kids and range from 1 week to 1 month.
How amazing would that be? And how perfectly that seems to fit with what God is currently doing in my life! But I am taking my time on this because I've learned (okay, I am learning, and rather slowly) how much chaos and stress I bring on myself when I try to beat God to the future. How wrong on so many levels, to think that I could possibly know better than my creator, or that there can be any joy in making my own decisions and holding them up for His approval. So I am fighting the desire to jump on this latest opportunity just to have some sort of "clear direction and goal" in my life.
No matter where I am next, I trust that God will use me to impact others. Honestly, that part of trusting Him with my future isn't so hard for me anymore. Other areas of life though... well, you know.
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